I try really hard to stay positive about having fibromyalgia. The more negative I feel about it, the more pain I have. I have learned to focus on gratitude, but even this sometimes fails. Today I am having one of those days. This flare has been hanging around for two months and decided to peak this week. I had to cancel plans to go away this weekend for our anniversary. It sucks, I’m so tired of letting people down.
We spoonies talk about acceptance all the time. Accepting our reality and learning to live with our new limited normal. It really is important. But I am starting to wonder if acceptance is something you learn or if it is something you have to practice. It ebbs and flows for me. One day I have accepted it and found a certain amount of resolve and just a few months later, I feel angry and full of self pity again.
When I find myself in this place again and again after thinking I have learned the lesson once and for all, I feel like a failure. Why can’t these lessons penetrate? Why can’t I keep my resolve? Is there anyone who lives with a chronic illness who genuinely moves forward and doesn’t have to learn and re-learn acceptance over and over again? It feels like an endless loop of: acceptance, flare, hopelessness, healing, acceptance, flare.
And maybe it is. Everything else about this disease is both cyclical and fluid, why shouldn’t my acceptance and grief also follow the same rhythm. There is no end to it, it just shifts. And how am I supposed to find any lasting peace like that?!
Everything is temporary, good and bad.