As I mentioned on Friday, my birthday was this weekend and I have to tell you, I threw myself a huge party…a pity one that is. Yes, my flare was going away and I have all kinds of things to be grateful for, but sometimes the weight of being chronically ill is to much to carry. When the annual reminder of your birth and life rolls around, perspective is everything.
I woke up feeling like this diminished life was no kind of life at all. I looked back on all the things I once took for granted, that my body allowed for, that my emotional and mental state permitted and all I could feel was envy. Fibro has stolen so much from me and I was feeling the weight of every bit of it.
I could have used my birthday as an excuse to wallow, hang out in bed with my tears and my self loathing…but I didn’t. I dragged myself to my Tai-Chi class, and cursed my body through the whole painful hour. I forced myself to put on a pretty face and decent outfit and be in the company of those I love. And instead of keeping it all in, I broke down with my frustrations and pity and tears and expressed how much my spirit was hurting. And guess what happened…I felt better.
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive, and will come forth later in much uglier ways.” ~ Sigmund Freud
For a lot of us, keeping it in and to ourselves becomes the modus operandi. We don’t want to be viewed a certain way or judged and we know that people just can’t really wrap their heads around it. So we stuff it into the private hallways of our brains that we walk through everyday. These cluttered hallways can get you stuck. When we don’t release the feelings, they start to poison us.
And really, after I had my little breakdown, I had a wonderful birthday weekend full of love. It was like a light came on and I found my gratitude again. I may not have a huge circle of friends and family anymore, but I have an amazing husband and daughter who love me to pieces and take happy birthday celebrations very seriously. 🙂
Have a great week!